You made me cry and you don't even care
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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