I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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