I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
