3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
