Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
