Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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