he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Two words: blizzard sex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
