if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
are you so shy because you have an std?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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