i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
