there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
