Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
