Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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