And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Boobs are out for the taking
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
