Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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