I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
