at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
do herpes really smell.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
