the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
