I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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