wake up i wanna do it froggy style
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
