I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
