dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I look better un-naked...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
