I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
