Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
