The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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