my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
