needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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