Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
