Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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