Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
