the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
