sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
