Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my phone needs a breathalizer
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I touched a dick in church today
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
