Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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