You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
