OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
