But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
