Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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