Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
