She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
