You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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