i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
