why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
