so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
