I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
