my phone needs a breathalizer
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
