Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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