so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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