so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
