I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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