i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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